Notes from the Laziness Journal
Did you hear about that Iowa woman, Emmalee Bauer, who was denied unemployment benefits for keeping a “laziness journal”? In it she wrote, in detail, how she avoided doing any work at her sales coordinator job. It was beautiful.
Bauer wrote a 300-page entry that included gems like this: “This typing thing seems to be doing the trick. It just looks like I am hard at work on something very important. … I am only here for the money and, lately, for the printer access. I haven’t really accomplished anything in a long while … and I’m still getting paid more than I ever have at a job before, with less to do than I have ever had before. It’s actually quite nice.”
She wrote about how she shops online, chats on message boards and plays computer games. Like everyone else.
I also kept a laziness journal at a job I had several years ago, appearing busy by feverishly typing anything into it but work.
I didn’t let my boss find it, though, as Bauer did, and get myself fired. Note to Emmalee: E-mail your laziness journal to yourself if you want to keep it for posterity, then TRASH it off your desktop! Duh.
A few entries from my laziness journal:
Every time Douchebag walks by, I stare intently at my screen, then glance at a pile of papers on my desk, and type in “Eric Eric Eric” real fast … lather, rinse, repeat. Looks like I’m doing something heavy, not reading these NFL mock drafts … god, are those idiots really going to take a QB number one? War’s won in the trenches, people! Offensive line, hello! You people are MORONS, CRETINS, JERKOFFS, ASSWIPES, NITWITS, DOPES, DORKS, FEEBS
Best Picture Oscar winners alphabetically: Annie Hall, Braveheart, Chariots of Fire, Deer Hunter, let’s see, an E … Life of Emile Zola? Good enough … what’s an F … Fish … Fight Club? … Free Willy? … okay, G is Gone with the Wind, Godfather, that’s EZ … How Green Was My Valley … It Happened One Night … J … Johnny Dangerously? Jerry Macguire? Damn … a K … King Kong? Karate Kid? Screw it … Okay, Lawrence of Arabia … Mary Poppins?
*Words Spelled Backwards*
Food = Doof … Live = Evil … Lived = Devil … Bird = Drib … Squirrel = Lerriuqs (French?) … Drunk = Knurd … Hamster = Retsmah … Eric = Cire
Hey, Cire. Sire!
“Sire, your minions await your command … … We will bring you the finest foodstuffs, meats and cheeses … Yes, sire, as you wish, oh magnificent one … sire, shall we engage in physical acts for your pleasure? Acrobatics, juggling, buffoonery, your throne festooned with balloons? … We bring you fair maidens from every corner of your vast kingdom … We will indulge your every whim, we live to please you, may I fluff your pillow, yes, sire, you are the king, sire, let us fetch you any cheese you desire”
More Names for The Boss
Douche M. Bagg
Clueless McAssknuckle
Z. Rowe Brainpower
Crappon Yerhead
Dullard McSlackjaw
Shatter D. Mirror
Dum N. Dummer
Work Haiku
The copier waits
My ass is prepared, oh yes
To sit on it now
The Winking Lizard
Has my name on a barstool
Twenty-two ounces
One more meeting like
The one this Monday morning
Bleeding out my ears
My boss is a knob
My crank he should be biting
Chimp can do my job
E-mail: erictbroder@yahoo.com; website: ericbroder.com
