Wednesday Whining: The Agony and the Ecstasy

“My whine is about my mailman. He always carries the mail against his stomach, and last week it was so hot his belly-button sweat soaked my Reader’s Digest. Can’t the post office tell their workers not to hold our mail against their belly buttons? What a fiasco!” — Strongsville

“I wish people would mind their dogs better. I was walking down my street and a dog smelled my pants. I’m on a fixed income and I don’t need the aggravation.” — Parma

“The last couple of weeks it was so crowded downtown. What gives? Where were the cops, anyway? And the noise … Give me a break!” — Cleveland

“Why do young men wear their pants so low and baggy today? Back in my day, young men put their packages on full display for all to see. What you saw was what you got. Now I don’t know what I’m looking at.” — Rocky River

“The ending of The Sopranos was ridiculous. Couldn’t they have at least bumped off A.J.? Here I am looking forward to a bloodbath and all I see is some twat parking her car. If I wanted to watch that, I’d go to the mall!” — Eastlake

“News bulletin for Nabisco, Keebler and others (you know who you are): saltines are supposed to have lots of salt on them. That’s why they’re called saltines. Hello!” — Northfield

“To those drivers honking and giving me the bird on 271 last week: I was going 35, which last time I looked, was perfectly legal. Where’s the fire? Let me know, so you can all go to blazes!” — Broadview Heights

“If you spelled LeBron’s name backwards, it’s Norbel, but nobody talks about that.” — Cleveland

“To the motorist whose car horn play The Godfather theme music: Are you proud that your car celebrates a gang of vicious criminals? Fine example you’re setting for our young people. My car horn plays ‘My Favorite Things.’ If your car can’t set a wholesome example for our young people, you should get a horse.” — Wickliffe

“My beef is with the Viagra people. Why do they print the instructions so small? By the time I find my spectacles I’ve forgotten what I’ve taken it for. Thanks for nothing!” — Elyria

“I’d like to know why all our local newscasts talk about liver-and-oatmeal 24/7. Aren’t there more important issues to talk about? No wonder people make fun of our city.” — Lyndhurst

“Memo to Heinz ketchup: ‘Stay Clean Cap’? In whose world? You should see my ceiling and walls! My husband’s crying in the garage. You’ll be getting my cleaning bills. You think you’d have this ketchup business down by now!” — Cleveland

“We have Bactine and laxatives, but there’s no peace in the world. What’s that about?” — Cleveland

“I’d like to know why my city’s service department don’t clean up all the dead squirrels and other road pizza on our streets. Entrails splattered all over the road, insects crawling in and out of gaping mouths, crows pecking and pulling at guts and eyeballs … I enjoy it, but it upsets my grandson.” — Brooklyn

“How much longer are we going to have to put up with ‘Detroit Road’ in Cleveland, Ohio? You think they have a ‘Cleveland Avenue’ in Detroit? In your dreams!” — Lakewood

“To all you turkeys gabbing non-stop on your cell phones: hang up and smell the coffee. It’s a fad!” — Brunswick

“A bird stole my toupee right off my head on Clague Road, and how much help were the police? You guessed it. I bet they’d blow it out of the air if it took off with one of their chimichangas.” — North Olmsted

“Why can’t these road crew workers stand closer to their trucks? I’ve hit three of them with my car already. It’s a joke!” — Solon