The Old Grocery Guy

My wife Barbara and I were standing by the celery at our local supermarket when an elderly gentleman rolled his cart up to us.

“Excuse me, sir,” he said to me. “Do you allow your daughter here to accept candy from strangers?”

He then handed Barbara a piece of hard candy, which she looked at in confusion.

“You get one too,” he said, and gave me a piece. I thanked him, and the old man said, “Did you hear about the Amish hooker? She had 10 men a night. Oh, I’m sorry, that’s terrible,” and he walked away.

Fabio and I On Love

As I listened to the CD Fabio After Dark, a collection of brief discourses on romance by the long-haired Italian supermodel (alternating with songs by established artists), I felt his views on love deserve amplification and commentary. I will present his remarks followed by my own, which should essentially cover the subject for you.

Buon giorno. I’m Fabio. An’ I’m vary interested in what makes romance work. I want to share wif you my recipe for a perfect evening … Wan I plan a date, I want to make sure dat everything is perfect for us. Music is de mos’ important thing to set the mood for the night … A song can speak for me wan I cannot put my feelings into words. I listen to a solo and I think of a duet. Wan it’s dark, I turn on the music, I light the candles. Thar is no timetable for us for a fantasy that we will make come true. – “Fabio: About Romance”

Cry of the Timberwolf

In winter I’m generally as tough and adaptable as a Minnesota Timberwolf, but this year a combination of factors has made it difficult for me. And though, like the Timberwolf, I usually suffer in silence, as a member of the media I feel it’s my duty and obligation to reveal how sick I feel so that maybe my experiences can help others.

Like everyone, I currently have a head cold. However, mine traveled up from my chest to my sinuses. As any doctor will tell you, colds normally travel down, dripping from your sinus passages into your lungs. This dripping forms a puddle in your lungs, causing what we close to the medical profession call congestion.

The congestion in your lungs makes you feel like coughing, but often your coughing just causes the puddle to splash around in there. It’s non-productive coughing. That’s why you need an expectorant (from the root word “expectorate,” or “to spit it all up”). You want to spit the puddle up and out, whereupon you can then go on about your business.